Why do we
do the things we do, why do say things we say, why do we hurt the people around
us.
Its
baffling because I wouldn’t call it intentionally doing those things, it just
may be that- we get so wrapped up in our own wants and desires that we choose
to ignore everyone else’s feelings and emotions.
Have we become
selfish or self-absorbed that we only end up thinking about ourselves, about what
we want or need, that it does not matter- how it affects others? I wonder if it
does matter..
Over time, I
have come to understand what I want, the lengths I would go to get it, the lies
I would tell myself to be happy, the people I would let get hurt..
What am I doing?
What am I telling myself? Is it ok that I do this? Just because others do
worse?
I believe this
is because, it is harder for females to move on, we tend to get stuck.. I now I
am stuck. Stuck in all those emotions, stuck in my mind, stuck, just stuck. Its
different for men, they have different things to hold on to or to move on. I
cannot tell you how complex it is for a female, complex in her head, how to
explain why a woman holds on to an abusing man, why she repeatedly goes back to
help the man who hurts her, why she keeps coming back hoping things will be
different. Why she manages to get frozen in time, even though the world around
her has moved leagues ahead.
I must tell
you about this scene from one of the series I was watching- a husband &
wife split, after 2 yrs of divorce he has moved on- gotten married and even has
a kid. On the other hand, even though she was the one who pursued the divorce- nothing
has changed for her –same house, car, job, life- nothing except the husband is
out of the picture. She even still has her wedding ring kept saved in a box. So
much so, after the 2 yrs, when things go crazy between her & the husband-
she goes through this intricate process of ‘disintegrating’ the ring. Whereas
the guy just moved on..
Looking back,
it may seem pathetic. They say females have this unique capability of making
everything complex- true. The significance or the lengths the wife (above
story) went to disintegrate that ring probably only another female would
understand. We try so desperately to
generate a desired outcome that eventually we do everything in our power to
make it happen, no matter the cost.
I yearn for
a direction that everything I do is not pathetic, I want my actions to matter,
be different from the rest. I may sometimes even want to believe that what I am
doing is not like other girls. I almost believe that, that is the case. I do end up getting jealous of the man. They make
everything seem ‘lesser complicated’. Maybe it’s their emotional make-up, being
different from women, probably making it easier for them to move on & not
get stuck or even hold on to a thought, emotion or people.
