They say – that in tough times, you can see one’s true
colors..
Being alone and isolated can cause brain atrophy & despair?
So, what is actually with this pandemic lockdown? I witness people being
excessively nasty to the help within the society. Heck, I have seen them behave
nasty with me - maybe they think I am the help because of the color of my skin.
LoL
Well, this season has been an eye opener for me. Well, to
clear the air – nothing bad did happen. Just the realities of my life – bitch
slapped me in the face. The reality of me being alone.. of living alone.. of
not having friends, not having well-wishers, not having anyone. Made me wonder-
what am I having to contribute to the world around me, to the lives of the
people around me? Anything? What should one do when the resounding answer is
'No’ & 'nothing'? How does one make peace with that? May be there is an
answer, I wonder if I will figure it out..
What happened I wonder? Where did my life take a turn, that
I am here today? I think & think & only think.. what else do I have to
do? Sometimes I wonder, if I figure out the reason for this (personal) isolation-
will it help? Will anything change? Deep down- I really don’t think so.
Sometimes I get really angry- I am angry that whatever
friends I have, don’t think of me as much.. don’t care for me as much (as much
meaning that – care, atleast as much as I do? I mean how hard is it to drop a
text or call??) I don’t know. I don’t know if I am asking for too much here.. I
probably am.
I am often question as to why am I even living- I mean – I
have LITERALLY NOTHING – to look forward to - to fantastic future.. to a
healthy life (I do have MS & a fuck all immune system). Well, maybe not a
fantastic future but a future atleast – with friends and plans.. something?
Anything?
I have 1 friend now- and I have to beg, seriously beg, make
all kinds of promises and compromises and beg- for anything. It gets tiring.. I
know- how much of pressure I am putting on that 1 friend?? I mean they also
have their own life to lead, rt?? So, yea – I try my best to understand... it’s
my fault for the burden.
So yea I wish- I wish I could turn back time, go back to the
day where I thought it was ok to be friends with Clive. Go back to night I
broke Harshi's heart. Make things better with me and Meliie. Be a fucking
better friend than I have been to all every one of these people.
