Isolation Introspection

They say – that in tough times, you can see one’s true colors..

Being alone and isolated can cause brain atrophy & despair? So, what is actually with this pandemic lockdown? I witness people being excessively nasty to the help within the society. Heck, I have seen them behave nasty with me - maybe they think I am the help because of the color of my skin. LoL

Well, this season has been an eye opener for me. Well, to clear the air – nothing bad did happen. Just the realities of my life – bitch slapped me in the face. The reality of me being alone.. of living alone.. of not having friends, not having well-wishers, not having anyone. Made me wonder- what am I having to contribute to the world around me, to the lives of the people around me? Anything? What should one do when the resounding answer is 'No’ & 'nothing'? How does one make peace with that? May be there is an answer, I wonder if I will figure it out..

What happened I wonder? Where did my life take a turn, that I am here today? I think & think & only think.. what else do I have to do? Sometimes I wonder, if I figure out the reason for this (personal) isolation- will it help? Will anything change? Deep down- I really don’t think so.

Sometimes I get really angry- I am angry that whatever friends I have, don’t think of me as much.. don’t care for me as much (as much meaning that – care, atleast as much as I do? I mean how hard is it to drop a text or call??) I don’t know. I don’t know if I am asking for too much here.. I probably am.

I am often question as to why am I even living- I mean – I have LITERALLY NOTHING – to look forward to - to fantastic future.. to a healthy life (I do have MS & a fuck all immune system). Well, maybe not a fantastic future but a future atleast – with friends and plans.. something? Anything?

I have 1 friend now- and I have to beg, seriously beg, make all kinds of promises and compromises and beg- for anything. It gets tiring.. I know- how much of pressure I am putting on that 1 friend?? I mean they also have their own life to lead, rt?? So, yea – I try my best to understand... it’s my fault for the burden.

So yea I wish- I wish I could turn back time, go back to the day where I thought it was ok to be friends with Clive. Go back to night I broke Harshi's heart. Make things better with me and Meliie. Be a fucking better friend than I have been to all every one of these people.

So, this is me- living each day as it were my last. Hoping everything will soon end. My endless cycle of isolation which I have carried on for the last 10- 12 yrs would end. I have got 3 more years to go! But going through each and every day has been so hard, has been such a struggle, such a challenge. With me, being so weak minded and weak willed, really does not help the cause. Simply because I know- I know, I cannot & will not be able to handle my life any more than this...