I should first say that this & the earlier article has been inspired by Vica.
Vica is one person who is truly about herself- just like many of us. We go through life doing actually the very many things that WE want, whether we actually need them is quite immaterial.
What we want, often carries a lot more precedence over anything else and this causes us to take more irrational decisions that we often regret. And so many times we end up being the one losing more than we had bargained for- being the loser, hurt and in pain.. All this in an effort to make the heartless feel.
Overly emotional decisions are often the fastest & the most screwed decisions that one can make. Its actually quite funny coz, we generally take these decisions in the hope that the other might realize or understand..And more often than required this significant other also uses this to get pushed away. Simply beocz the heartless does not actually feel..
I really don't get it!!! Why is this the only thing that i can do when i really really need something or somebody to cheer me up???!!!
It really stinks, I mean really STINKS and so freakin frustrating.
Its just ridiculous
I mean there has to be something or somebody that can cheer me up. seriously even to talk- nobody?? FINE- I'll say it again- this stinks-its all i can do at the moment.
You know some how everyone has a secret desire, well no surprise here - i ALSO have 1. But i actually got a taste of it- as in i actually got it... and ... i ... so unbelievably blew the whole DAMN THING OFF!! I mean GOD!!!??? seriously(this is where u create a visual in ur head with some 10 different hollywood hot-shots giving their own emphasis on the 'seriously' word). And this-to all the people out there is the FREAKIN MOTHER of ALL FRUSTRATIONS!!
To actually have that one thing that you have always wanted- and it slips out of your own 2 hands not to mention with a blabbering tongue in between because of your own own pea sized brain- is..is.. babe seriously there is no salvation for you(me)
The meeting that i had today was disasterous- with a capital "D" thats bold and underlined & yes don't forget the double quotes.
And here i am writing about it coz i am alone with nobody to talk coz- nobody has the time!! right!!
whinnings gonna occupy time.
You can imagine at this point of time that even i had that stupid hypothetical boyfriend who is so scared to talk to me in public would have stood me up..
The scenario is such that i know what will make me feel better..
- A pat on the shoulder
- Somebody saying- hey dont be to hard on yourself- or hey u know shit happens deal with it
- A heart warming smoke
- Verbal unload on a good friend- and NOT THE SCREEN for crying out loud!!
Everybody in the world, even the people in the story for that matter, identify themselves with either the good fairy or the hapless victim..
Seriously???
Where do we get off thinking that way?? What if you are not one of the 2 main characters & turn out to be the third?? What then if you refuse to accept that you are the third character?? Upto what extend will you keep doing whatever you think is right and as long as you completely believe that it is for the good?? Or will you continue doing it just because you think that you are the victim??
Will there ever be a time when one realizes the wrong from the right?? And if you don’t - where do you draw the line??
What will it take for it to hit you in the face and say- wake up!! You’re screwing up!!
So, what then does it mean,- since you did something wrong, that you are a bad person??
And what does happen when you do realize the wrong??
This world is unfortunate or rather twisted:
We are taught forgiveness- which we don’t actually practice..
So when the bad guy, actually decides to stop and repent- we wish it to perish & we inturn deny its very existence..we choose to completely shut these repenting people out of our lives. Yes...we would have made claims to forgive, at the same time we would alienate them. Its what we want, its what we think is the better way of forgiveness
The repenting soul, now has to disappear(in an exaggerated manner) has to restart his life from scratch!! Exciting isn’t it???
To all those characters who unfortunately fallen victim to their unknown wicked strait – what exactly is the motivation for you to turn the other leaf…
-Is it – that u now believe that you get a place in heaven
-Is it- ur effort to make the world- ur world- a better place?
And of course my all time favourite- because it is the right thing to do…. Yea right and I am mother Teresa!! Whether one wants to accept it or not, but every one of us are in some way or the other- selfish. Otherwise we would have been saints then!!
So I guess the big question here is – why do we strive to not be the bad one? Why bother? Why just not let it be? I once read- inorder for the things to change around you – u need to be the 1st to change.. so y not? So y is it that when your willing to give up everything to change, the world around you so stuck up about it so resistant about it
Lets face it- fact remains that deep down no one actually is a bad person (unless ur a psychopath). We are all driven by our emotions which inturn are influenced by the circumstances driving them.making us do what we want to do, take the choices and decisions that we take..
Then again- y are we so hard on the rest for the choices/decisions everyone else makes?
the mistake child worked as a house keeper, cafe keeper and a phone to phone sales person poetess lover playgirl collector of boyfriends, philosophies, nudiest pictures?? the problem child got her head stuck in a window once seller of household belongings artist guitarist writer leader A cowboy at 3 an international spy at 10 1st boyfriend at 8 got hunted by a bull once studied astrology, graphology and palmistry owner of fashionably labeled clothes lover of Claudia schiffer and Valentino teacher at 4 bhel puri lover ran away at 18- came back at 18 class bunker and class flunker the Rocker a fighter The believer... Of living life FULL ON!!
Life as we see it- its got secs with hours and hours leadingup to months and years. All through it we go through feeling alone. and that desperation causes us to be nice to someone, get close to people, make friends, etc. But what happens when all that goes away? Are you back to being lonely again...?
No this write up is not about being alone or anything...its about figuring out- how much do we actually care about the people around us... We have people, friends and acquaintances around us, but at all times, rather most of the times, we choose to ignore them...don't get me wrong, we don't do it purposefully- we do it coz we have something else happening- which according to us is more important. Now that something else only happens coz these people assume that the other will understand about the lack of caring... eg. you are working- u already hate that job, there is nothing that u are getting thru that, but yet we put it ahead of most things. I have seen people put work ahead of their friends, their families their loved ones...y do we do it? y don't v give the correct importance to the things that truly deserve it...? yea then there is always this phase- where we regret doing what we did...
the other thing- selfishness. We are so selfish and self absorbed that we dont think about caring about anyone if it does not help us in ANY way possible.. So the question here is - does there always has to be an ulterior motive?? Anyways that ulterior motive can be anything from self satisfaction- to feeling good about yourself. So - YES - that is selfish. Whatever happened to doing things just for the goodness of it all?? People forget to ask howu are doing- but u will give u instructions about what work has to be done.. People will not talk to u because they have other people they are talking to..people will ignore u if something/anything else happening. urwife's call, urfriends calling ur kids tugging- everything is shoved aside for something else - that is actually meaningless for everyone..
when you loose someone...we try to accept it...and we have a habit of taking it in our stride... Maybe thats why we ignore it, thats why it hits us even more when it happens. Its painful & disastrous & whats worse it leaves us completely helpless.. we dont know, what to do... what to say...nothing. i completely & totally hate it. i hate the whole deal, people falling sick, people dying, the funeral, the after funeral mass, the people, the mourning, everything. I have dreamt about death, and it surprises me the void & pain i feel each freakin time!! The very first time I was completely devastated, was over the death of my grandfather..sometimes i feel that my parents were so shocked by my reaction that they took me away when my only aunt died...yea..even i was like spare me the horror. Today is the 15th of november, 2009, i went to a funeral today. This guys name is Vijesh& yesterday his wife gave birth to a baby boy..& a few hours later she developed some complications and died.
The news was devastating..I couldnt help thinking about him, has he held the baby?? will he continue to love him the way he was meant to be loved? will he be able to parent him? how will he come to work leaving his baby home?? what will he tell his baby when he grows up?
This was completly completely painful....and whats worse I feel / am helpless
